Just His Face
by endless.conflict
Summary: To say that joining the Navy was something I had to do wouldn't be an all out lie. After the departure of Atem, I needed something to fill up the painful emptiness. Whatever it was I had searched for I found it... But why does it feel like I was too late?


"Moutooo

"Moutooo! Mouto!!" My shipmates had screamed for me, they screamed for others as well. They screamed for themselves, but the crashing waves of explosions roared louder--some of which were taken under without mercy; they sounded like muffled gurgles. I heard every detail, funny enough. And despite the salty waters that stung my eyes and fought into my ears and nose and mouth, I saw them. Not sailors, but grown men; women, too. I saw them as individuals who were struggling to stay alive. Individuals who had families and friends, but no longer would if the fight against the attack turned to pure man-slaughter. To think that only minutes before, they were curled contently on deck, baggage in their arms and liquor sliding down their dry throats. To think that if these distressed sailors hadn't been up for days with bulging eyes, trying to keep on the lookout for enemy targets, would they have been fully 'there' to see it coming. Then again, maybe we never would have. Another missile striked, more of us screamed. We looked and feared, but had no idea what it was we were fearing. We were confused, we were blind. There was so much smoke, so much red. Red flames, red blood, red wounds. Debris flew everywhere, the very desperate of us clinging to the drift woods and metals that once served as our home. Not everything stayed adrift and when they went under, those of us who hadn't had enough strength left to keep going, went down with it. Everyone lacked the strength to continue, but the last of us--we foolishly held on for a bit longer. Foolishly dragged on our obvious demise so that we could have enough time to see our own brothers and sisters get taken away by her; the beautiful sea we once served to protect. It wasn't such a beautiful sea anymore, and now we found ourselves fighting against her choke-holding waves and suffocating depths. Maybe if we had let go when the rest of our shipmates had went, we wouldn't have to see the things that no person should ever lay eyes on. Maybe we wouldn't take part in the agonizing screams; maybe we wouldn't know we lost. But, we did. It wasn't so much of the battle, but everything else we lost in so little time that ruined our souls.

--

Right before the attack, it was to no surprise that I was thinking of Atem. I had always thought about him. Ever since we had parted worlds for the final time, I had thought of him. I had thought of a lot of things, though. Would I have felt better to lose the duel and keep him here with me? Or is it better to have won the duel and lose the prize? It was a question that always ate away at me. Try as I might, there never seemed to be an answer to my liking. I guess it was a fair trade between my answers and the answers I got.

"Why would you do this!?" Anzu had asked in hysterics, tears streaming from her face before she even rolled the first word off her tongue. She had cupped her face in an attempt to catch her tears, but there were just too many. All I could do was stand there, eyes staring somewhere far away into the distance, just barely mumbling the words "I have to."

Jou and Honda disagreed though and fought day and night until it was time for me to ship out to boot camp. Of course, I had been smart enough to keep it a secret between me and Grandpa, so when it was my time to come, I got on the bus with my bag and disappeared from Domino, without a word of my parting. Grandpa had told me to be safe as he straightened the collar of my jacket. I couldn't look at him, but I automatically replied, "I will." I hope he doesn't hate me now. I'm sure all of them do, though.

To say that joining the Navy was something I had to do wouldn't be an all out lie. After the departure of my other half, Atem, I needed something to fill up the emptiness. The pain was just too unbearable, the months trying to cope were unjustified; no one understood and no one ever would. How could they? It was sadly true that I was absolutely the only person on earth that lost his 'other' soul. And when I watched my partner walk through the Egyptian gates, into the pure light, something told me I would never see him again. When everyone said goodbye, I wasn't ready and even now, I'm not over it. I think I enlisted in the military because in reality, I knew I would never get over it and in this dying state of mine, I wanted no one to know where I was because then they'd see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

Jou, Honda, Anzu, Grandpa... Even Bakura and Kaiba and Mokuba, each one of them came to mind. I thought about how disappointed they would be to find out that the dueling champion had given up and sailed somewhere far away. I thought about what my former opponents would think when they found out I was out of the picture... Pegasus, Marik, Bandit Keith... All of them would be living without me the same way I had to endure every single day of living from now on without my hero. The only thing I could do for them was hope that they were happy, pursuing their dreams and doing their best… I shut my eyes tightly to keep the tears from falling, pressing my forehead to my knees--Then, they hit us.

I jerked up in an exasperated gasp, everyone stumbling to a stand, some falling over board. "GANGWAAAAY!" Someone had called from atop, clinging onto the mast for dear life. Madness arose and the canons were aligned. When had everything gotten so chaotic, when had our lives shifted from content to pure hell? I gripped the edge of the ship, staring wide-eyed into the distance; our enemy was approaching fast, in large numbers. There wasn't anything we could possibly do. They attacked us mercilessly as I just watched with young purple eyes, falling into the cold waters of the ocean.

--

It was clear that Atem's soul wouldn't be the last soul I would lose. The remainder of us fought for survival, we made ourselves believe that if we had hoped for the best and tried our hardest, we would win. Despite the fact that most of our division was missing most of our sailors, we could win in their name; we wouldn't let their deaths go in vain. We would triumph this horrible battle with comforting victory, we would be awarded with metals, with honor. That was in our mind, but our minds didn't want to believe it. These were thoughts of all who never stopped deceiving themselves. Staring up at the sky, it looked possibly as colorless as my face; white, stale...empty. My gaze was somewhere far, thinking of what my past had come to. I had forgotten my puny arms were clung to the piece of wood or that I even had arms, or a body or a life. Everything had become numb in this massive pool of so many deaths. There were two of us left. The other was going.

My attention averted to the last person in my Navy family. All he could muster were chilled gurgles, gurgles in some foreign code that had no translation, but I knew it meant out 'death'. All I could do was staring indifferently; there were no tears to cry. Stiffly, his resolve let up and I noticed his body had sunk to the brim of his hat. And then that went under, too. Eventually, the white blended into the dark blue and he was gone forever.

With just me out there in the open space, it didn't matter where our enemies were. It didn't matter whose lives had been dragged away from them. It didn't matter that we had no tide to crash on. Mostly all of us would never be found--that didn't matter either. All that mattered was Atem. "Atem..." A voice called out nearly inaudibly and unfamiliar. It didn't appear to me that I was crying, if that's what you'd call it. My face was wet, but it was hard to tell what had caused this. _Sweet, sweet numbness,_ I thought as my fingers uncurled from what I wasn't supposed to let go of. The water hugged the roundness of my cheeks and my hair absorbed the nature of the ocean's salt. When everything got darker, I knew this was it. Only my hand had remained above waters longer than the rest of me, but it soon joined. Everything around me disappeared. The noise, the view--Everything seemed so far away. Yet, I still longed when I would see the Pharaoh again. In fact, I was so occupied with this fact that it was beyond me that death was taking over me. A new kind of wholeness came to me unexpectedly. I did not feel empty or hollow... I felt heavy. The water forced itself inside me, flooding through my nostrils and my lungs. I was becoming part of the thing I signed my life away to. Maybe Grandpa would be proud of that. Maybe. And Jounouchi and Anzu and Honda... Maybe they'd understand, too. Everyone would understand... Whatever it was I had searched for, I had found it.

The reality of it all had slowly come to me, but in a sense I feel it had been too late. A never ending drop, I was forever going down. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe I wouldn't be alone. All the other sailors were down there waiting for me... Yeah. _Yeah. _Why was it that I couldn't help but wonder if things were supposed to end like this? I think I was finally seeing the answer, the answer that I searched for so long ago. I knew I would find it, I knew it. _I knew it... _I think I always knew he'd never come back, but it was never obvious that maybe he wasn't really gone. It wasn't until I looked deep within myself that I saw his reflection. It wasn't until then that I realized it wasn't just his 'death' I had let go in vain... What would happen now? All I could think was, _"Sorry. My brother; my savior."_ Out of all my loss on this tragic day, I thought of one thing...

_I thought of just his face._


End file.
